Television For Your Scheduled Genital Fluttering Party
For Valentine’s Day, you could get your special someone that special OnlyFans gift they’ve been dreaming of (What reality show’s penis will YOU be sharing and will it be mostly shaft?) OR you can knock their fucking socks off with this. A video playlist created by God, ass eaten by the devil and filled with only the finest TV-like chunklets.
In fact, here are 100 things you are GUARANTEED to see in this playlist, albeit not in order. Y’know, as a taste.
1. A candle with an ejaculating text graphic courtesy of CITY TV.
2. A sweet old lady putting the finishing touches on a horrifying ALF costume.
3. Robert Rodriguez and the cast of The Faculty have had enough of all yer lame attempts to market Tommy Hilfiger and they’ve figured out a better way.
4. The most North Dakota accent of all-time.
5. The time Prince took a contest winner from Wyoming out on a date.
6. Hal Linden is very excited to tell you about babies wearing conteact lenses.
7. One of the most disturbing breaking news crawls (filled with weird editorial touches to boot) appears during tykes TV in Newfoundland.
8. White Canadian pageant queens doing the sort of choreography you’d expect white Canadian pageant queens to do in the 1991.
9. Lois Lane drives Barenaked Ladies off a road and plummeting to their deaths.
10. The truth path to being a good Christian woman that obeys God’s laws and not LIBERAL HOLLYWOOD! (spoiler: God’s laws sound an awful lot like old men’s laws!)
11. A Pointer Sisters song is repurposed to be an in-house anthem about improving cigarette sales.
12. Atlanta’s most innovative adult discotheque. (This place looks so fucking cool.)
13. Fred Durst being the only person in the “Get Naked” video wearing a t-shirt like fat tween me at any and all water parks.
14. Secrets to cheerleading success that may have been kept from you. By who? That’s your business! Not mine!
15. Dionne Warwick: Circus Ringmaster.
16. Dr. Phil and Insane Clown Posse come together to let a shitty dad know he sucks.
17. Quentin Tarantino aggressively pitches ideas to Kermit the Frog. (No frog feet or pig hooves are visible in the clip, if that’s what you’re asking.)
18. An issue with a cookie costume at a funeral.
19. Assorted Preston Mannings because that’s what Canadian comedy was/is a lot of the time.
20. A pet psychic reveals the horrible trauma a rooster’s carrying with them.
21. An opportunity to reflect the assorted mistakes (intentional or otherwise) served up on The Drew Carey Show.
22. An extended visit to the border of US Acres.
23. Monica Lewinsky engages in a lightsabre fight at Tim Hortons.
24. Vanilla Ice does the angry guy pretending to be laughing along thing and flips the fuck out during a MTV segment where Jon Stewart, Chris Kattan, Janeane Garofolo and other comedians were making fun of bad music videos.
25. Geraldine Ferraro has choice words for Roddy Piper. Roddy Piper responds.
26. Cyndi Lauper with a dire warning!
27. Simon Cowell is presented as a love guru. (But not THE Love Guru®.)
28. Kelsey Grammer loves lawn mowers.
29. Kelsey Grammer loves a cheap breakfast.
30. Kelsey Grammer loves rat-on-woman action.
31. Stand back! Supertrain’s coming through!
32. A tease of the NBC TV movie version of Carrie.
33. A tease of the ABC TV movie version of What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?
34. Evidence that recycling really rocks!
35. A confusing Sopranos intro parody where a chihuahua has replaced Tony Soprano and is a pimp now. (Possibly from a movie.)
36. Sondra Prill making Janet Jackson’s “Nasty” all her own complete with aggressive male stripper dick swinging in banana hammocks.
37. Winnipeg prepares for New Kids on the Block.
38. “No Bull” tequila fajitas.
39. Vincent Prince has a board game he’d like to show you.
40. Anna Nicole Smith and Chyna are aliens with mental problems and unfiltered feelings on how their butt is feeling at any given time.
41. A dispute over Mars Attacks memorabilia causes a lot of frustration and exasperation on Divorce Court.
42. Surrender to the magic of Gerry!
43. The finest movies of the week CBS had to offer in 1980.
44. Paul Reiser gets Hollywood talking!
45. Alvin (of Alvin of the Chipmunks) sings a smutty Knack song about wanting a girl to sit on your face.
46. Learn the choreography to your favourite Britney Spears and *NSYNC routine at an affordable price.
47. On the next Passions…
48. Rob Zombie and Jamie Foxx skateboard together.
49. Elvira FINALLY meets Super Mario face-to-face.
50. Elvira FINALLY meets Gallagher face-to-face.
51. Not one but TWO maudlin American war propaganda songs from the 90s.
52. Look at that bird shit an egg… of savings!
53. Tips for how to keep your AOL experience safe.
54. The only Cats performance worth a damn.
55. A patriotic message from the Crypt Keeper.
56. ABC sanctioned revenge that is unrelated to their future television program Revenge.
57. The most Kyle Mooney type character in Frank D’Angelo’s cinematic collection.
58. Star Trek: The Next Generation… on Ice!
59. A Star Trek: The Next Generation parody song in the style of Billy Joel to promote its place in syndication.
60. 60 Minutes doesn’t really think much of a writers room at MAD.
61. The merciless horror of Killdozer!
62. A parade of the finest bridal looks in Long Island.
63. A Nova Scotia woman talks about the clothes she’s made out of her dog’s fur.
64. Heartpounding news about Canada’s new dollar coin!
65. A masterclass of government-produced harassment training video acting.
66. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Loni Anderson talk lemon-lime refreshment.
67. Hugh Hefner would like Pink Lady to quit their entertainment career and apply for a job at one of his clubs.
68. Leonardo DiCaprio and Soleil Moon Frye play Teen Win, Lose or Draw.
69. Dates! Disaster! A clumsy dick talk! That’s right, there’s an episode of Studs in here.
70. A bunch of hopeful future influencers politely pretend that a Prince Harry impersonator is the real Prince Harry.
71. Sylvester Stallone gives a cokey, sorta Trumpy incoherent speech about litter and how he’s happy the city of Philadelphia is more receptive to his business interests.
72. Stephen Dorff: Award Winner
73. Brian McKnight appears to confess to Dane Cook that he killed someone in a drunken hit-n-run.
74. An RV dealer with a very unfortunate name.
75. A supercut of Wendy Williams and the claps of judgment.
76. An extremely phoned-in an MTV promotional special for the movie Black Sheep.
77. Oddly comforting home insulation graphics.
78. A Petro Canada mascot that will make you want to give yourself the Event Horizon treatment.
79. What happens when American women and an Aussie guy collide? It’s… Well, it’s not quite clear.
80. An anti-smoking spokebear that’s travelled from space to Manitoba to get kids to butt out.
81. ELVIS JR.
82. Anne Murray whisks us away with cruise ship glamour.
83. A very Michael Scott-ian (in that it’s bad and also racist) comedy routine from two guys that call themselves the “Funny Boys.”
84. Moncton’s number one George Michael impersonator is having the time of his life.
85. Moncton’s number one Rod Stewart impersonator is no Moncton’s number one George Michael impersonator. That’s for sure.
86. An invitation to smell the B.O. of early X-Files fans in person!
87. A helpful tip for how to operate a pedestrian light.
88. A piercing sign-on screech at the beginning of this playlist. (Probably should have mentioned it off top. Bah well. You’re getting celebrities. It’s a nice trade.)
89. Burt Reynolds has a football game to call.
90. Songs written for or inspired by the motion picture The Littlest Vampire.
91. John Cafferty & The Beaver Brown Band tear shit up at Spring Break.
92. Crazy Town tears shit up at Spring Break.
93. Kevin Federline proves he is the better wrestler than John Cena.
94. “SPEEEEEAAAAAAK!”
95. Jon Cryer is telling you to just chill the fuck out.
96. A beer commercial that is the closest I’ve come to connecting(?) with that hunk of French Canadian background I kinda ignore.
97. The Human Fly and the person interviewing him are dissapointed that the crowd are finding The Human Fly’s story to be funny.
98. An exclusive visit to Garth Algar’s pain cave.
99. Boy George calls David Byrne “David Bryan” which gets me off the psychological hook for fucking up a bunch of names I only see in text. Thanks George!
100. The 1987 Mother-Daughter Pageant.
